Can’t say sorry
Relationships with friends, family and work colleagues can be difficult at times, as we are all of individual personalities with different characteristic traits. However, when one upsets another continuously, selfishly thinking that it is okay to do so because it suits them at the time, and because the receiver has accepted this in the past and has just let it go for peace and quiet, how long do they think this friendship or relationship will hold true? Eventually, it does not matter what niceties and kind gestures the perpetrator continues to do, without a genuine sorry and acknowledgement of offensive behaviour, the receiver will build up resentment and lose trust in the other, as they have been left with bitterness, knowing they may have the same repeated pattern in the future and will once again be without apology. This just feels as though the offender has no respect for the other person, as they are not even worthy of a ‘sorry’. The person who was hurt may continue the friendship or relationship, plod along quietly, unhappy, proceeding with caution, even when they have previously expressed to the offender what upsets them. This will continue till eventually the build-up of all the upsetting cracks form to one large area formation, the wounded person breaks and gradually detaches themselves emotionally, so they can no longer be hurt by the offender.
All this seems quite sad when the solution could have been remedied with a sincere ‘sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you’, ‘I acted selfishly’, or ‘I should have done or approached something differently’, or ‘not done it at all.’ The point is whatever is said or done, just by accepting one’s own behaviour and owning up to it, can be the difference between make or break of that friendship or relationship if it has any real value.
Why do some people struggle with apologizing?
Narcissistic individuals have an inflated sense of self-importance with a deep need for admiration. Admitting fault or apologizing can be perceived as a threat to their self-image. To them, an apology equates to an acknowledgment of imperfection, which may contradict their self-perception. This is their defensive stance that protects their ego, but it is at the cost of genuine connection and resolution in their relationships. To them, it is easier to cut off the talk, refuse discussing it, expecting the other to forget about it and continue, as though it never happened.
The perfectionist sets immense high standards for themselves and fears failure. Admitting to a mistake or wrongdoing implies falling short of these standards. Consequently, apologizing can induce intense feelings of shame and inadequacy, maybe even in letting down and disappointing the other person, making it an undesirable and avoided action.
This perfectionism can stem from early childhood experiences where self-worth was contingent on flawless performance and behaviour.
Those with low self-esteem and insecurity may also struggle with apologies, as admitting fault can reinforce their negative self-image. Acknowledging a mistake will confirm their worst fears about themselves, that they are unworthy or unlovable; the fear can be paralyzing, leading them to protect their fragile self-esteem.
Cultural background – In some cultures, admitting fault is seen as a sign of weakness rather than strength. Gender roles can play a part; traditionally men were taught to view vulnerability as a flaw, which includes making mistakes. This type of cultural conditioning can make any sort of apology challenging, as it goes against the programmed norm.
Family upbringing can form a different approach to conflict and resolution. Those individuals raised in environments where apologies were rare, or where admitting fault led to severe repercussions, may have learned to avoid apologies.
Avoiding apologies results in strained relationships
Failure to apologies can lead to unresolved conflict along with the resentment and self-sabotage in professional or personal relationships. An apology can serve as a softening social lubricant, that allows forgiveness with them, wounds fester and relationships can inevitably deteriorate over time.
Apologizing requires self- reflection and humility, both of which are crucial for personal growth. Avoiding apologies can stunt this growth, as individuals fail to learn from their mistakes.
This avoidance can perpetuate a cycle of blame-shifting, back to the offended or anywhere else, rather than ownership, hindering emotional and psychological development. It can lead to a perception of arrogance and irresponsibility, qualities that can be detrimental to leadership and teamwork. Successful professionals with empathy, often exhibit emotional intelligence, which may include the ability to accept and rectify errors made. Viewing apologies as opportunities for growth and improvement. This mindset shift can be cultivated through positive reinforcement and resulting in great benefits that can come from genuine apologies.
Practice empathy
Apologizing is not just about admitting fault, acknowledging someone else’ feelings and fostering trust in relationships. It is an important part of emotional intelligence and interpersonal communication.
Listen without interrupting and defending yourself
Understanding the others perspective is crucial for a meaningful apology.
Look back, reflect on past mistakes when you felt hurt by someone else’s actions and how a lack of apology affected you. Learn that feeling guilty, embarrassed or vulnerable, is all part of apologizing – no one can be perfect all the time.
Clearly state what you did wrong and avoid statements of ‘sorry if I hurt you’, or ‘sorry you feel that way’ as that is not taking ownership!
Express genuine regret for actions. Tone and body language should reflect sincerity. Offer amendment, committing to making positive change.
Can’t say sorry, then write it down, but express your thoughts selectively with compassion for the other person involved.
Say sorry and mean it!
Love and Sparkles
Samsara x
www.samsarabellydancer.co.uk
Facebook: Samsara Kyriakou
