We have spoken about the importance of setting boundaries and reclaiming more self-love so you are not drained from those energy vampires that have sucked the life out of you. So that you can totally move on, use the recap of setting those boundaries in place, then follow the guide to go full steam ahead on what is required to fulfil your dreams and ambitions.
Set boundaries, get clear on your limits, notice when you feel drained, resentful, anxious or uncomfortable. Those feelings point to where a boundary is needed. Decide what you need to feel respected or safe – more time, less contact, clearer expectations, or a firm “no”.
Remember “no” does not require a courtroom defence. One of the biggest mistakes we make with boundaries is believing we need to provide a ten minute explanation for them. You don’t! “No, I can’t do that” can be enough. You can say it politely without over explaining. The more reasons you give, the more opportunities someone has to challenge them.
A little guilt or pushback is normal; someone’s reaction doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong. Do not confuse guilt with wrongdoing. Setting a boundary can feel uncomfortable, particularly if you are used to putting other people first. You may feel guilty when saying no, but that does necessarily mean you are doing anything wrong. It may simply mean you are doing something unfamiliar.
Be prepared and watch what happens when you say no, or do something for yourself first. A very useful lesson about relationships comes when you stop automatically accommodating everyone. People who are accustomed to getting their own way may push back, accuse you of changing, becoming selfish; those that are manipulative may even try to punish you by withdrawing things or themselves, but that’s okay. Be grateful for the lesson, people need time to adjust to the new dynamic.
Quick guide for time or help required: Use “I” statements such as: I am not available for that / I can’t help with that today / I need time to think before committing / I can help but can’t take full responsibility for everything / I need some time for myself.
The most important answer is the power of pause. You don’t have to answer every request immediately. If someone asks you to do something and you are not sure, try: Let me think about it and get back to you.
Boundaries of speech: I am asking you not to speak to me in that manner / I have requested you not to speak to me in that manner, respect my decision / I don’t like that tone and I won’t continue this conversation if I am being insulted or shouted at / I guess you feel really insecure or disappointed with yourself in order to keep insulting me / I am not accepting your bullying tactic, remove yourself or your manner.
Find things you love to do for you, ask for assistance, respite from some things if needed.
Your love and energy is valuable, you don’t have to hand it over in unlimited amounts to anyone who asks. Invest it where there is reciprocity. Be generous where it is respected. Give where it is appreciated. CHOOSE YOU! for health and wellbeing.
Once you have learned to protect your time, your energy, your peace and your self-respect, something rather wonderful can happen: you suddenly have more room for your own life.
Boundaries are not designed to make your world smaller. They are there to stop the wrong things taking up so much space that there is no room left for the right ones.
From protecting yourself to now believing in yourself. Becoming more assertive can change the way you see yourself. You stop automatically agreeing to keep everyone happy. You stop explaining every decision, and feel comfortable in saying “that does not work for me,” without feeling guilty.
Eventually the assertiveness needs to move beyond boundaries, it needs the confidence to say “this is what I want”. Ask yourself: What would I do if I wasn’t worried about disappointing people? / What would I try if I was not afraid of failing? / What have I put on hold while concentrating on everyone else’s needs? / What dreams keep coming back, no matter how many times I push it aside? Your answers can reveal far more about your future than you realize. STOP WAITING FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT. Dreams can spend years sitting on a mental shelf labelled ‘one day’. One day isn’t a day in the diary, and you don’t have to have your entire future mapped out before taking the first step. You simply need to start moving – that dream doesn’t have to come to reality overnight, but it needs attention. Give it an hour, make the phone call, research opportunity, write the first page, book the class, send the email, make the appointment, take the photograph and create the plan. Small actions have a habit of turning into big changes and with surprising outcomes.
Allow for path changes as you come across hurdles, that is okay, it may be for the best, and often that mindset can open doors that waiting for complete certainty will keep firmly closed.
Protect your dreams, not everyone needs to know your plans or understand your ambitions. Some people may question them because your growth challenges the version they have become accustomed to.
Choose your advisors carefully, listen to sensible advice of those who genuinely want the best for you. As you stop wasting endless time analysing those who are selfish and disappoint you, put some of that mental energy back into investing in yourself. Instead of chasing people who do not reciprocate, invest in people who do. Forget whether others approve of your choices, spend more time developing the life you want, and with like-minded people who believe in you.
You can appreciate your life and still want to improve it. Create your goals and want more!
Love and Sparkles
Samsara x
www.samsarabellydancer.co.uk
Facebook: Samsara Kyriakou